Since I’ve been blogging I’ve notice when I put my thoughts into words and type them, even if I don’t end up posting it, it already makes me feel better.  I have some unresolved feelings that I’d just like to get out there, just for myself to heal, 10 years is more than enough time holding onto something……

Dear A

When I was 19 you promised my mother that you would take care of me in the big bad city, a strange place for a girl growing up in small towns. I was scared at first but somehow your promise made me feel that I will be safe and feel safe. At first this was the truth, after my mom left me there you told me whenever I need something just to ask…..the kindness didn’t last very long.

I wasn’t allowed to touch your magazines but when I brought my own you’d take them from my room without even asking, I had to care for your children, I never complained, one night they where crying from hunger, it was past 8 and you never fed them. Where were you? Out for pancakes…. I filled a hungry tummy with a sandwich and offered one to the other, no no, my mommy said I can’t eat after 8 I will get fat! What is your problem with fat people? This is something I heard over and over about myself living in your house…

One night you yelled at me for the high phone bill and showed me a number that had been dialed over and over, charging each time for one second, calls that went to a voice mail, you showed the final amount of all of those calls tallied up and asked “who is going to pay this?” I sent an sms to the number to ask who it was…..oh yes, it was you that phoned that number over and over, it was the first time your youngest went on a play date and the mother of the other little boy didn’t bring your child back right on time, what did you do when I showed you on your mistake, you shrugged me off and pretended you didn’t hear me.

I worked really hard on weekends, serving coffee and ringing up things, but my job was never good enough for your “reputation” and I got nagged and nagged to go work at Mugg & Bean or News Cafe, you even dragged me there to hand in my CV, not thinking for a second I was happy working at the OK Grocer. After a while I got my first boyfriend you accused me of things that where not true, that I spent all my time at his house, you never gave me a chance to defend myself but now I am: I saw him only one night a week, the reason you NEVER saw me home is because all my spare time I spent working!

Now here comes the whipped cream on top of a really bad dessert, you turned all my cousins to dislike me, why? Because our grandmother had sent me money to purchase myself an umbrella….I took the bus to class every day, a 3 hour journey in total, sometimes I had to stand in the street in the city that is known for it’s unexpected thunder storms…..would you have preferred if I got wet and sick? Did you ever stop and think the reason my mother didn’t send me money for an umbrella is because she couldn’t afford it? She was raising 3 kids all by herself and our grandparents promised my Dad when he died that they will help my mom raise us. Jealousy is a really ugly thing….

Just when you think it can’t get worse….here is the rotten cherry on top. Your last words to me, after you said this to me I couldn’t take it any second longer and I packed my bags and left. You yelled at me “YOU ARE TO FAT TO EVER GET A JOB OR A HUSBAND” at this point I just had enough, you words cut into my being like a sword, this on top of you telling me the only reason I have a nice personality is because I’m fat and I need to try harder for people to like me, today I’m saying to YOU, you broke a 20 year old girl’s spirit and soul, it took me 10 years to build myself back up. And today I realized that you where and still are just a bully.

I never told anyone except my really close family about what you have done because I was ashamed like it was my fault, but it wasn’t, today I just felt it’s time to get this out, so I can heal those final steps and let go…

______
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4 thoughts on “Not a regular blog post – An open letter to my bully”

  1. Wow Lizna, I really love this post it’s so personal thank you for sharing… I know exactly how you feel I have been used and abused by family members as well You a strong woman for finally getting over it I hope to get over it myself… You have friends who care and love you just the way you are.. I like to think I am one of them 🙂

  2. This was sad to read. You inspired me. I know what it feels like to have issues eat away on you. I know it isn’t healthy it consumes a person with anger and hatred. I hope that I too will one day find inner peace and let go as you have. You are certainly an amazing strong women!

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